I believe, without a doubt, of all the couples problems that could ever possibly present itself, betrayal/infidelity has got to be the most devastating one of them all. The immediate impact of which could be so horrific and over whelming, that a person can be put into a complete state of shock. Suddenly finding themselves on an emotional roller coaster ride with no end in sight.
Resolving couples problems such as these can be very tricky. What may seem to be, at first glance, a clear case of a guilty party and the victim, may just prove to be a little more complicated than that. For obvious reasons, clear thinking is not on the immediate agenda at this point. Disbelief, the betrayal of trust, anger, disgust, humiliation and feeling un-loved are a common first reaction. Then there are the questions, such as;
- Who with?
- How long has it been going on, or how many times?
Common “acceptable logic” dictates that a full detailed explanation of all the above questions is needed by the victim for closure. This, more times than not, proves to be a double edged sword. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that an explanation is not in order, because I believe they are entitled to one, what I am saying is a “full detailed” explanation can prove to be more devastating than the initial shock. Such as, falling into a state of Loneliness and Depression.
Let me explain, when resolving couples problems, marriage problems, or relationship problems such as this, getting to the root of the problem, or what caused the act, is more important than a detailed explanation of the act itself. And as I mentioned in my other two posts,“Couples Problems…We All Have Them” and “Couples Problems… Who Is To Blame”, I have never seen a case where one, or the other, was completely innocent. Also, couples problems just don’t suddenly appear out of the blue, they are incubated over a period of time until one day you have the birth of a full blown crisis, as in the case of Betrayal or Infidelity. (People just don’t wake up one morning and say to themselves, I think I’ll go sleep with another man/woman today) It just doesn’t happen that way, there are underlying circumstances surrounding someone doing such a thing. I also think one must first escape the narrow mindedness that has seemingly trapped them in their present dilemma, and broaden their perspective. Meaning, one must evaluate all possible influences, the rolls they played, and the impact they had (consciously & subconsciously) on their present state, or relationship problems.
If one were to engage in a process known as “Critical Thinking”, they would realize, fairly early in the process, that the act of infidelity is not, nor could it ever be, the cause of a couples problems. It is the result of other problems within the marriage, or relationship. It is also the consequence of a culmination of other outside influences mentioned in my post “Couples Problems… Who Is To Blame?” To sum that up, I will borrow a phrase coined by Peter Joseph, who called it “Social Pathology”.
The Solution… If Desired?
In order for any couple to resolve this particular problem, or any couples problems, marriage problems, or relationship problems, first and foremost, there has to be the desire to do so. I say this because you would be surprised at the number of couples that go straight for divorce without giving a second thought to resolving what caused the act in the first place. Rather they are caught up in the role of feeling victimized, and the only resolution in sight is separation or divorce. Which, buy the way, more times than not, is the normal path, and encouraged by family, friends, as well as the other outside influences mentioned in my post about “Who Is to Blame”.
If the desire to resolve this problem is found, rather than separating over it, then the couple must calmly sit down together, after a cooling off period obviously, and engage in the process of critical thinking in order to find the root problem/problems that drove the other to commit the act of betrayal/infidelity in the first place. Believe me, if done correctly, the core problem/problems will be identified. It is also vitally important not to allow the opinions of any outside person/persons to enter into the discussion. As easy as it is to bring in the opinions of others, in order to justify one’s own position, that will only lead to a discussion/argument of other people’s opinions. This would only remove yourself, your partner, and your opinions, from the center of the discussion.
People must strive to remember that Marriage is a pledge of love and devotion, or commitment, between two people, and those two people alone. Not them, their families, friends, society, or any other outside influence that may try to enter into it. Because once you allow any outside influences/opinions to enter into your relationship, it is doomed from that point on.
To recap, when resolving couples problems, marriage problems, or any relationship problems the couple must;
- Have the desire to resolve the problem.
- Engage in Critical Thinking in order to get to the root cause of the problem.
- Be willing, and able, to sit down together and calmly discuss the problem/problems.
- Be willing to actually communicate and listen to each other.
- Not allow any outside influence/opinions to enter into the discussion.
- Be willing to accept, take ownership and responsibility of any personal faults that led to the root problem/problems.
- Once an equitable solution or path to a resolution is reached, and agreed upon, by both parties, then prioritize it, and put forth 110% effort to achieve it.
Being able to communicate with, and listen to, each other is obviously the key to success in any problem solving. I personally refuse to believe that any couples problems, marriage problems or relationship problems exist that are insurmountable. Where there is a will, there is a way, is my mantra, and holds true for any challenges one may face in life.
More to come later… Chow for Now